This Woman’s History Month:
Low Grade Toxic Masculinity

Being a woman my whole life… well, most of it and being a girl the rest of the time… I thought I’d write a little about my experiences as a woman this Women’s History Month. It seems that this is a topic that has more of widespread appeal these days. So hey, I’m going to jump on the opportunity before the backlash deepens.

After several conversations with male friends in which they determined themselves “woke” in the ways of feminism, I had to push back a bit. Sure, they are not abusing women in aggressive and obvious ways. Yes. Well, good for you! But what men don’t realize (I think) is that harassment and violence are the extreme within a whole spectrum of behaviors that strip women of their right to personhood, their right to simply be individuals.  (Hence the shirt I had in my 20’s: Feminism is the radical notion that women are people.“) That the most enlightened man treats women differently–like all the time.  Within that difference is what they think and expect of a woman and out of a woman–often unconsciously.  Different. Predetermined. I have been experiencing this the entirety of my womanhood, as have many women.  So before you claim you are a progressive male feminist, let’s unpack some of the fairly typical behavior that many women experience often. I will refer to these behaviors as low grade toxic masculinity.

Whenever you fit her to the tight parameters of your fantasy; when you utilize her for narrow and self-serving purposes; when you deny her complexity, her reality, to conform to your limited understanding of her; when, threatened, you turn her strength into a flaw or turn her into a caricature, again serving narrow and self-serving purposes, and a narrow view of the extent of her power and her personhood. When you deny her the space and opportunity to communicate; when you avert your eyes, denying her common courtesy, the civility you’d likely bestow a stranger—one whose attractiveness did not threaten you, one whose lack of attractiveness did not have you overlooking; one whose intellect, emotion and the synthesis of both did not ground your often rigid logic and bumpersticker wisdom. It’s your narrow scope, your limited perception of what she could be, who she is, truly. Your presumption, your relying on tired cliches, and the tired cliches enforced, still, by media, other men and other women. When you’re emasculated chronically, by her being okay with herself. When you put her on a pedestal; give her powers she doesn’t have, can never have. When you deny the powers she does have. When you resent her because of your own desire of her. When you’re scared of her. When you second-guess her, doubt her capabilities, her words, though you’d quickly accept the same words and ideas from a man, from yourself. You’re treating her differently. You’re treating her like a woman… or, more, you’re treating her like what you think of a woman. Which needs a little adjusting.

My friends asked me what they could do. What could they do when they were interested in getting to know a woman.. what could they do that would be welcomed, not creepy, etc. I don’t know. Women are a million different ways and have a million different ideas about this kind of thing. And I can’t speak for all of them. So that was my advice. Stop trying to learn about “women” but learn about a person. When we think any group of people as just “one way,” we lose their best parts, the parts that are the individual, the parts that are genderless, the parts that are just human. So get to know her as a human being? Because that’s all we are… despite all those songs and books and art and romance and intrigue and fantasy and magic. People, that’s all. Just like you. Although I am quite magical. ✨🧙