Burger Brackets Ketchup, Part 1: The Dream of the 90’s
Modern Love vs. Sacred Chow
April 5, 2018
That’s a flyer from the zine I made in the 90’s. Yes, I always liked to hear myself write. And that’s 90’s me… but this isn’t a post about how the 90’s were the last hurrah of authenticity and coolness, though that is truth. It’s about burgers. One from a 90’s vegan queen and a 90’s style eatery still serving the good word.
It has been quite a while since I entered into a burger battle. Truth be told, I have had several half-finished for months. But things keep evolving on the burger scene in New York City! So after several versions of this Round 2 bracket, I am finalizing this version. For the sake of rekindling momentum, new burger options will just have to be compiled for a Round 3. [I do, however, have a burger on the brackets that is not yet available: a burger from Vegicano’s Bareburger outpost menu… perhaps that “Totally Possible” burger I posted about here? Hopefully that will be here soon enough.]
Part 1: The Dream of the 90’s
Like all vegans in New York who have a clue, I greatly anticipated the Brooklyn homecoming of Isa Chandra Moskowitz and the arrival of her Modern Love Brooklyn. Before the restaurant ever opened, I put its burger option on my burger brackets! I looked forward to the day I would try an Isa-concocted burger that I didn’t have to make myself via her cookbooks. And I would geek out internally if there she was right over there, by the door in her restaurant. A 90’s vegan idol.💖 But in the interest of burger objectivity, I detach my high esteem for Isa and place it elsewhere temporarily. It’s like the guy Philip Seymour Hoffman played in Almost Famous–Lester Bangs: writing about music = my view about writing about vegan food.
I ordered the Bacon Cheeseburger. It was their house patty, cashew cheddar, tempeh bacon, pickles, special sauce, lettuce, red onion and tomato. All the components of a good vegan burger on paper. But as soon as it was placed before me I knew what I am going to tell you right now. The patty is too thick. 
A too thick patty, I’m realizing, can kill a veggie burger experience. With softer, vegetable-based patties, it can make the patty ooze out of the side of the bun like a wet mound of uncooked mush. Besides the downfall of “bite,” there’s often too much water remaining in the patty to hold onto much flavor… too much of its mass does not come into contact with the flat top while cooking. With more dense seitan-based patties, like Modern Love’s, you may not be able to open your mouth wide enough to bite, yes. Its density can be a chore to chew through. It might feel like eating a slice of thick meatloaf in between a bun. And that’s too much bread! Traditional meatloaf gets breadcrumbs, but seitan is like 90% grain. Though it binds very well, I think a seitan burger can work well if it is at least half the thickness of Modern Love’s patty. 1/3 might be even more successful. I’ve become thin veggie burger biased. Unfortunately, with veggie burgers, size matters. 
Sometimes when I (or my often-complaining students) have a trivial complaint, I do this movie quote: Ralphie’s little brother mumbling about how he hates meatloaf. Since I was going on about meatloaf, I thought it fitting.
Their Masala Burger is made with chickpeas, roasted onions, poblano peppers, kale & cilantro, topped with caramelized onions & Dijon dressing. It’s really tasty. So refreshing to have a lot of flavor imparted within a patty. The addition of cooked vegetables (the roasted onion, the kale that is inside the patty all crisp) helps tremendously, as does this being a “masala” burger… it’s Indian name makes a promises of spices and it delivers. Then, you get more onion! It’s topped with heavenly pile of caramelized onion in a delicious sauce that helps keep the patty moist. The patty, thanks to the bean base, is substantial and has great texture variance from the veggies. Color me Impressedd (Like Color Me Badd #90shomage)…
So Sacred Chow wins this 90’s battle.
And The Dream of the 90’s clip from Portlandia seems very appropriate. I love the show, yes. But even after 8 seasons I still can’t get over seeing Carrie Brownstein on the show. I listened to the old Riot Grrrl band Excuse 17 and then Sleater-Kinney. She was a big part of my budding woman identity.
I went to modern love for my birthday dinner and we all LOVED every last dish-including my skeptical omni friends 🙂
Sad that patty was so thick, seems like such an easy fix but i know exactly what you mean and the thinner patty really is important on a burger!
And i am also flabbergasted at how it’s just rather expensive to eat out anywhere anymore, i find myself going out for a drink or two and maybe a bar snack but i cook most dinners at home myself.